If I Don’t Talk About It, Maybe It Will Go Away

I was so ready to graduate from high school! I had been accepted to my dream college and I wanted to move away from home, meet new people, and start fresh. High school had been pretty rough. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder my junior year and I struggled to understand the illness, how to manage it, and how to explain it to other people. People who have bipolar disorder struggle with bouts of extreme energy and euphoria and then dark depressive episodes. The depressive episodes wiped out my motivation and made me feel hopeless and worthless. I was a good student, I belonged to a lot of clubs, I played sports, and I had wonderful friends but when I was depressed I had no energy to do any of these things. Depression made me feel so lost and defeated that I forgot who I was. I felt like all I had was my depression. I really wanted to go to college because I thought everything would be different. I honestly thought I could leave my bipolar disorder and my depression behind me.

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Would medication change who I was?

When you get diagnosed with depression, or any mental illness, the first thing you might feel is relief. The realization that your feelings, struggles, and symptoms can be described by a diagnosis can make you feel better – you aren’t alone! But the second thing you might feel is embarrassment, shame, or guilt. You aren’t alone in that either. There is a lot of stigma when it comes to mental illness. Most people with mental illness go through a process of understanding, accepting, and figuring out how to manage their illness. When I was diagnosed in high school at first I felt some relief, but soon enough I was really conflicted when it came to defining my identity. Who was I? Was I the same person? Was I “crazy”?

I didn’t want anyone to find out about my mental illness, and honestly the best way to do that was through treating it so I could actually manage my symptoms. But I was really afraid to take medication.

Photo Credit: what_marty_sees via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: what_marty_sees via Compfight cc

For a long time I denied that I had a mental illness and refused to take any medication because that felt like I was admitting that I was “crazy.” I worried that taking medication would change who I was. Would I act differently? Would I still be fun? Would I still be smart? Who would I be after taking medication? My family and my psychiatrist wanted me to take medication but it seemed scarier to try medication versus living with my symptoms. At least my symptoms were predictable! I understood my depression, I knew how my mental illness felt, but taking medication was a big unknown. However, I really wasn’t able to live happily, I wasn’t able to accomplish my goals, and I wasn’t able to have healthy relationships. I realized that my mental illness wasn’t going to go away and I was so miserable! Maybe the medication would change me, but considering how terrible I felt I realized it might change me in a positive way! I wasn’t enjoying my life and medication seemed like a way to hopefully make it better and make me healthier.

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If I don’t talk about it, maybe it will go away

Photo Credit: shenamt via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: shenamt via Compfight cc

I was so ready to graduate from high school! I had been accepted to my dream college and I wanted to move away from home, meet new people, and start fresh. High school had been pretty rough. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder my junior year and I struggled to understand the illness, how to manage it, and how to explain it to other people. People who have bipolar disorder struggle with bouts of extreme energy and euphoria and then dark depressive episodes. The depressive episodes wiped out my motivation and made me feel hopeless and worthless. I was a good student, I belonged to a lot of clubs, I played sports, and I had wonderful friends but when I was depressed I had no energy to do any of these things. Depression made me feel so lost and defeated that I forgot who I was. I felt like all I had was my depression. I really wanted to go to college because I thought everything would be different. I honestly thought I could leave my bipolar disorder and my depression behind me.

Continue reading If I don’t talk about it, maybe it will go away

Afraid of the Label

Photo Credit: only alice via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: only alice via Compfight cc

When people hear the word “depression” or that someone is “depressed” a lot of different things come to mind. People make assumptions about what that experience is like and what that person is like. These assumptions usually come from negative stereotypes about mental illnesses, like depression. As a society we don’t really understand mental illness because we don’t talk about it in an authentic way.

I’ve struggled with depression since I was a teenager and in high school I didn’t want to tell anyone about my experience because I was worried they would think I was weak and I was just complaining.

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