Some young people don’t like to go see a doctor or a therapist because they haven’t felt listened to in the past. As a parent, you might have felt this way before with medical professionals. It can even feel more this way as a young person who does not have the experience you do.
Because of this, the young person might feel frustrated and have some of these thoughts:
How is this even going to work if no one is listening to me?
They really don’t care what I think, just what they think.
There’s no way for them to understand anyways.
The problem with these thoughts is that if the young person is working with a professional therapist or doctor, they should not be true. In medicine, doctors are evaluated based on professionalism – which is their code of conduct or the way they are taught and socialized to behave. Professionalism includes having respect for patients and being responsive to their needs. So if someone is really not listening to your child, it is unprofessional. That means they have a right to and should say something!
Some examples of things you could say to your child to encourage them to address the situation in a neutral way are:
Do you feel like you are not being listened to? Maybe we should tell Dr. So and So.
I know you would like to get better; please let me know what is holding you back from talking to the doctor/therapist.
Let’s brainstorm about how to tell Dr. So and So some of the concerns you have.
Has this happened to your child before? How have you and your child addressed it?
Many people are surprised to learn that the diagnoses of depression and anxiety include physical symptoms as well as mental symptoms.
Depression includes psychomotor retardation – which means that your body moves at a slower pace than normal. You might talk slower and not be quick to react.
Anxiety includes feeling restless, easily fatigued, muscle tension, and unsatisfying sleep.
Have you ever noticed if you feel wound up about something, and then try to take some deep breaths to calm down, only then do you realize that you have been holding your shoulders tight all day. Over and over, our mental health symptoms can be expressed in our bodies – on the outside and even on the inside through stress hormones, our immune system, and our gastrointestinal system.
We’ve posted a few times now about self-care. But why is it so important to our mental health? One reason is self-care can help us take care of our bodies and mind. Its helpful to think about our minds in the context of our bodies. When we feel strong emotions, what happens to our physical bodies? You might feel your chest get tighter, your breathing quicken, or your stomach churning. In the same way, when we take care of our bodies by relaxation methods, deep breathing, or eating healthy, we can also help our minds be healthy.
Have you found this applies in your life? What ways have you noticed that your mind and body are connected?
If your child really needed help, who would they go to? They might think first of a friend their own age, and while this friend may be good at listening and empathizing with them, they might not know what kind of advice to give. This is because as a young person, they have not had as much experience as an adult. We recommend to young people that when they have more serious concerns, they go to a supportive adult. Some young people don’t feel comfortable going to their parent with their concerns, because they feel guilty or that their parent will be disappointed. Going to another supportive adult can help a lot. A supportive adult can be your parent, relative, teacher, priest, therapist, nurse, doctor. But how does your child know if this adult is someone they can depend on?
They should ask themselves:
Does this person care about me? do they want me to succeed?
Are they someone who I consider a role model? someone I wouldn’t mind being like when I get older?
Have they been kind to me in the past?
Do they listen to what I have to say?
Do they respect me and my decisions?
Surround your child with other adults who you feel are good role models. Even if they are not comfortable coming to you, they may be able to trust another close adult. Also, if you have concerns bring your child to their PCP or to an adolescent medicine specialist. These healthcare provides should spend time alone talking to your child. This might allow for a more comfortable environment where they can share their concerns.
How has a supportive adult helped your child in the past? Are there any questions you would add to our list?
Do you remember when you were young and had tough topics you wanted to talk to your parent or caregiver about? Sometimes it is important to reflect on those times and realize your child is going through them too. Today, we posted an article on our SOVA site (for adolescents) about talking to their parents using the listed tips below. We think they are also good tips for parents!
Your child and you can feel pretty vulnerable when you talk to a therapist. Think about it – you are telling them your deepest thoughts and you are not sure what they are thinking! You might not know what a therapist is supposed to do or act like if you’ve never seen one before. So how do you know if things are going well in therapy?
Here are some suggestions we have:
Ask your child:
Do they think therapy will help them?
What do they expect out of their therapist?
Are I willing to participate in therapy together or alone for myself if needed?
What do I expect out of my child for therapy?
What do I expect out of the therapist?
Discuss your answers to the above questions with your child’s therapist and your child so you can have a clear idea if what you think will happen is what will happen.
As you get to know your child’s therapist, ask yourself these questions:
Does my child feel accepted?
Is the therapist caring?
Does the therapist explain things clearly?
If the therapist and my child disagree, can they have a productive conversation about it?
Does the therapist recognize if there is a problem and addresses it instead of avoiding it?
After you’ve gotten to know your child’s therapist, ask yourself:
Does the therapist have a good relationship with my child?
Does the therapist and my child get along?
Does the therapist and my child agree on the goals of what I am going to get from treatment?
Does the therapist get along with me?
Does the therapist agree with me on the goals of my child’s treatment?
These questions have been shown in research to influence how well therapy can work for kids and adolescents which is why we think it is important to think about them.
If the answers are no to any of these questions, talk to the therapist on how you might address them. If it doesn’t feel comfortable to talk to the therapist, then talk to whoever referred your child to them – like your child’s primary care provider about whether they can help talk to the therapist and investigate whether they are a good fit for them.
Did you try out using any of these questions? Is there something new you learned? Are there other questions you suggest for talking to your child’s therapist?
It comes down to symptoms—these are complaints your child may have or you may notice—that tend to go together in someone who is depressed. Sometimes your child might not tell you they feel this way so it can be tough for you to see the symptoms. On the other hand, they might say they feel fine because they don’t want you to worry, but you definitely notice something is not right. Symptoms include:
Feeling down most of the day. Maybe your child notices they are just feeling sad, empty, or down in the dumps. They might not even notice—but you might see they are tearful or irritable much of the time.
Not interested in things they used to like. Things they used to think were fun aren’t fun anymore. They don’t really do them and even if they don’t notice or say they don’t care, you notice the difference.
Changes in appetite or weight. They’re hungry all the time, or they don’t feel like anything tastes good anymore.
Problems with sleep. They are tired and sleepy all day even when they get enough rest, or the opposite—they can’t fall asleep no matter how hard they try.
Tiredness or not having energy.
They feel like everything is their fault. They feel like they’re no good at anything.
They have a tough time concentrating or making decisions.
They may have thoughts of suicide.
MOST important is that because of these symptoms, they are having trouble living the life they want to live.
It might mean they are not achieving their goals, getting to school every day, getting to work, doing the fun activities they used to do, or being the kind of friend they want to be.
A health professional can help you and your child figure out if your child should get treatment for depression or if something else could be causing the symptoms. For example, having a low blood count can cause sleepiness, fatigue, and a tough time concentrating. Sometimes it can take many visits for you, your child, and your health professional to figure out the best way to help.
The most important thing is if you notice these symptoms in your child, something is wrong, and although its easier to say to yourself, “Maybe they will just go away,” often they won’t. The good news is the sooner you do something about them, the better. The brain of the adolescent and young adult is amazing—it is kind of like clay—mold-able into many different things! Talking to a trusted health professional will be your next best step.
“If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” -Chinese proverb