Category: LEARN

Trouble Functioning

It can be difficult to recognize when your child may need help with an emotional problem. Sometimes, it may seem like they are having a good day and are figuring things out. All of a sudden, though, they seem irritable, closed off, or distant – and you’re not sure what happened. One way to think about whether their emotional problem is an issue is thinking about how they are functioning.

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Several research studies have looked into the types of problems adolescents can have when they don’t get help for depression. Young people who suffer from depression can have worse grades, get involved with drugs or alcohol, have risky sexual behavior, and have more health problems when they are older, causing them to miss work or school.

These problems all mean that they may have trouble functioning because of depression. Most people consider having health problems, using drugs and alcohol, having worse grades, and risky sexual behavior as a problem. These problems can show up when depression becomes serious. Its also important to try to recognize earlier signs of having trouble functioning.

Think about what has been important to your child in the past. What are their interests? goals? Do they really enjoy a sport? art? other activities? Are there people in their lives whose relationships were important to them and now they are not as close? or arguing all the time with them? What do they want their life to look like?

Maybe they want to be able to play basketball with their friends, get an art project done, not fight with their sister, and go to school without getting a headache. If depression is keeping your child from living the life they want to live, then that is what having trouble functioning means. The good news is there is help out there that can help get them back to being who they want to be.

Have you noticed these things in your child? Has anything you’ve said or done helped them? Stay tuned for future posts on different treatment options which may work for them.

Grr!

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Photo Credit: DimitraTzanos via Compfight cc

Have you met adolescents or does your child seem irritable constantly? Nothing ever seems to go right for them. They are always slamming doors or talking back. You feel like they should be really happy about something and instead they just seem pissed off. What is their deal?

You understand that sometimes some things just don’t work out. Some days are just rough. But for adolescents who have depression, every day can be like this. And they run out of explanations for why it is like this. Its called irritability. And for adolescents, it can be a major part of their depression. Sometimes it makes depression hard to identify in them because a lot of people can be irritable…sometimes… But not all of the time. They might be called by other people angry, uncooperative, insubordinate, impolite, antisocial – but under it all, under how other people react to them – is this feeling of irritability that they can’t shake off although they don’t understand why.

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Afraid of the Label

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Photo Credit: only alice via Compfight cc

When people hear the word “depression” or that someone is “depressed” a lot of different things come to mind. People make assumptions about what that experience is like and what that person is like. These assumptions usually come from negative stereotypes about mental illnesses, like depression. As a society we don’t really understand mental illness because we don’t talk about it in an authentic way.

I’ve struggled with depression since I was a teenager and in high school I didn’t want to tell anyone about my experience because I was worried they would think I was weak and I was just complaining.

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A’s and B’s

It can be difficult to guide your child about making the decision to start therapy if their grades are already suffering. How can they afford to go to all of the sessions? Especially if they have to miss school? Do they really have time for it? Is it worth it?

If your child already has good grades – it might seem unnecessary for them  to go to therapy, because good grades means they are functioning well, right? Well…grades are only one part of their life.  They might be struggling in others like with their relationships with others and their relationship with themselves. Some young people also try working harder at school as a way to deal with their emotions. There are other important ways of functioning – see our past article talking about this.

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Photo Credit: Robin Hutton via Compfight cc

If on the other hand, your child’s grades are getting worse because of their symptoms, can they afford to miss school for therapy?

The problem is if they don’t get therapy their grades are likely to get worse. That is because depression can make them feel not motivated to do their work or go to class, they can have trouble concentrating, and anxiety might make them too worried about going to class or getting through a test without second guessing themselves.

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Does anyone hear me?

Photo Credit: richard_polhill via Compfight ccIs anyone even listening?

Some young people don’t like to go see a doctor or a therapist because they haven’t felt listened to in the past. As a parent, you might have felt this way before with medical professionals. It can even feel more this way as a young person who does not have the experience you do.

Because of this, the young person might feel frustrated and have some of these thoughts:

How is this even going to work if no one is listening to me?

They really don’t care what I think, just what they think.

There’s no way for them to understand anyways.

The problem with these thoughts is that if the young person is working with a professional therapist or doctor, they should not be true. In medicine, doctors are evaluated based on professionalism – which is their code of conduct or the way they are taught and socialized to behave. Professionalism includes having respect for patients and being responsive to their needs. So if someone is really not listening to your child, it is unprofessional. That means they have a right to and should say something!

Some examples of things you could say to your child to encourage them to address the situation in a neutral way are:

Do you feel like you are not being listened to? Maybe we should tell Dr. So and So.

I know you would like to get better; please let me know what is holding you back from talking to the doctor/therapist.

Let’s brainstorm about how to tell Dr. So and So some of the concerns you have.

Has this happened to your child before? How have you and your child addressed it?

Nah, therapy is not for me

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Photo Credit: JustLikeWasabi via Compfight cc

Studies show when people have a bad experience with therapy it can make them have a bad attitude about therapy in general. Sometimes I tell my patients that therapy could help them, and they tell me, “Nah, it’s not for me.” If they had a bad experience before, that response totally makes sense.

What are some reasons you feel your child or others you know have had negative experiences with therapy?

Here are a few examples your child may relate to:

The first time they went, it wasn’t their decision.

Going to therapy can help with a lot of different problems your child may have—but if they were made to go or it felt like it was a punishment versus a decision they made to become more healthy, they might have a negative attitude about it. My mom used to make me pick weeds in our driveway, and I kind of have a bad attitude about gardening! Even though a lot of people enjoy it.

The therapist and you did not seem to connect.

We know a big reason therapy works is the therapeutic alliance, which we wrote about in a prior post. If your child felt like they didn’t connect with their first therapist – or especially if they didn’t feel like the therapist cared about them, that might have been a tough experience for them. Telling someone your deepest thoughts makes your child vulnerable and if it didn’t work the first time, maybe they don’t want to take that risk again.

You (the parent) were too involved.

Your child may have felt like they couldn’t be honest if you were always around. Or maybe they felt more nervous and weren’t able to listen because they were worried something they might say would get them into trouble. Parents can still be involved without being overly involved.

Your child felt betrayed.

If your child received therapy when they were younger and the therapist was worried about abuse, that is something that the therapist has to report to the state for their safety. But when you are a kid in the mix of it, sometimes you feel like your trust was betrayed. That can be hard to deal with.

The thing is – one bad experience does not mean the next one will be. And your child’s experience as a young person or child may be different when they are older. There are things you and your child can do to help make sure that their next therapy experience is a good one. We know therapy works and can get your child to better mental health.

If your child had a bad experience before, but wants to try therapy again, here are some things they can try:

  • Make a list of the pros and cons about going to therapy – go over the list with someone they trust like you, another supportive adult or their primary care doctor and together, make a decision if this is a next best step for them
  • At the first session, tell the therapist what their expectations and hopes are from therapy
  • If they feel like they don’t connect with their therapist, ask for a referral to see someone else—therapists are used to this as everyone is different and sometimes certain personalities don’t click
  • If you would like to be involved, talk to the therapist about the best way to communicate with them without making your child feel like they cannot be honest with their therapist. If you feel more work is needed between you and your child, ask your child’s therapist if they recommend family therapy in addition to individual therapy
  • at the first session, your child should talk to their therapist about the limits of confidentiality – what do they always keep private and what if anything, are they not allowed to keep private

Do you have any other examples of negative experiences you or your child have had with therapy? Or tips you have about how to make the next experience positive?

The physical signs of mental health

Many people are surprised to learn that the diagnoses of depression and anxiety include physical symptoms as well as mental symptoms.

Depression includes psychomotor retardation – which means that your body moves at a slower pace than normal. You might talk slower and not be quick to react.

Anxiety includes feeling restless, easily fatigued, muscle tension, and unsatisfying sleep.

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Photo Credit: Souls of San Francisco via Compfight cc

Have you ever noticed if you feel wound up about something, and then try to take some deep breaths to calm down, only then do you realize that you have been holding your shoulders tight all day. Over and over, our mental health symptoms can be expressed in our bodies – on the outside and even on the inside through stress hormones, our immune system, and our gastrointestinal system.

We’ve posted a few times now about self-care. But why is it so important to our mental health? One reason is self-care can help us take care of our bodies and mind. Its helpful to think about our minds in the context of our bodies. When we feel strong emotions, what happens to our physical bodies? You might feel your chest get tighter, your breathing quicken, or your stomach churning. In the same way, when we take care of our bodies by relaxation methods, deep breathing, or eating healthy, we can also help our minds be healthy.

Have you found this applies in your life? What ways have you noticed that your mind and body are connected?

A shoulder

If your child really needed help, who would they go to? They might think first of a friend their own age, and while this friend may be good at listening and empathizing with them, they might not know what kind of advice to give. This is because as a young person, they have not had as much experience as an adult. We recommend to young people that when they have more serious concerns, they go to a supportive adult. Some young people don’t feel comfortable going to their parent with their concerns, because they feel guilty or that their parent will be disappointed. Going to another supportive adult can help a lot.  A supportive adult can be your parent, relative, teacher, priest, therapist, nurse, doctor.  But how does your child know if this adult is someone they can depend on?

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Photo Credit: LauraGilchrist4 via Compfight cc

They should ask themselves:

  • Does this person care about me? do they want me to succeed?
  • Are they someone who I consider a role model? someone I wouldn’t mind being like when I get older?
  • Have they been kind to me in the past?
  • Do they listen to what I have to say?
  • Do they respect me and my decisions?

Surround your child with other adults who you feel are good role models. Even if they are not comfortable coming to you, they may be able to trust another close adult. Also, if you have concerns bring your child to their PCP or to an adolescent medicine specialist. These healthcare provides should spend time alone talking to your child. This might allow for a  more comfortable environment where they can share their concerns.

How has a supportive adult helped your child in the past? Are there any questions you would add to our list?

How to talk to your child about tough topics

Do you remember when you were young and had tough topics you wanted to talk to your parent or caregiver about?  Sometimes it is important to reflect on those times and realize your child is going through them too. Today, we posted an article on our SOVA site (for adolescents) about talking to their parents using the listed tips below. We think they are also good tips for parents!

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Continue reading How to talk to your child about tough topics