Nah, therapy is not for me

Photo Credit: JustLikeWasabi via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: JustLikeWasabi via Compfight cc

Studies show when people have a bad experience with therapy it can make them have a bad attitude about therapy in general. Sometimes I tell my patients that therapy could help them, and they tell me, “Nah, it’s not for me.” If they had a bad experience before, that response totally makes sense.

What are some reasons you feel your child or others you know have had negative experiences with therapy?

Here are a few examples your child may relate to:

The first time they went, it wasn’t their decision.

Going to therapy can help with a lot of different problems your child may have—but if they were made to go or it felt like it was a punishment versus a decision they made to become more healthy, they might have a negative attitude about it. My mom used to make me pick weeds in our driveway, and I kind of have a bad attitude about gardening! Even though a lot of people enjoy it.

The therapist and you did not seem to connect.

We know a big reason therapy works is the therapeutic alliance, which we wrote about in a prior post. If your child felt like they didn’t connect with their first therapist – or especially if they didn’t feel like the therapist cared about them, that might have been a tough experience for them. Telling someone your deepest thoughts makes your child vulnerable and if it didn’t work the first time, maybe they don’t want to take that risk again.

You (the parent) were too involved.

Your child may have felt like they couldn’t be honest if you were always around. Or maybe they felt more nervous and weren’t able to listen because they were worried something they might say would get them into trouble. Parents can still be involved without being overly involved.

Your child felt betrayed.

If your child received therapy when they were younger and the therapist was worried about abuse, that is something that the therapist has to report to the state for their safety. But when you are a kid in the mix of it, sometimes you feel like your trust was betrayed. That can be hard to deal with.

The thing is – one bad experience does not mean the next one will be. And your child’s experience as a young person or child may be different when they are older. There are things you and your child can do to help make sure that their next therapy experience is a good one. We know therapy works and can get your child to better mental health.

If your child had a bad experience before, but wants to try therapy again, here are some things they can try:

  • Make a list of the pros and cons about going to therapy – go over the list with someone they trust like you, another supportive adult or their primary care doctor and together, make a decision if this is a next best step for them
  • At the first session, tell the therapist what their expectations and hopes are from therapy
  • If they feel like they don’t connect with their therapist, ask for a referral to see someone else—therapists are used to this as everyone is different and sometimes certain personalities don’t click
  • If you would like to be involved, talk to the therapist about the best way to communicate with them without making your child feel like they cannot be honest with their therapist. If you feel more work is needed between you and your child, ask your child’s therapist if they recommend family therapy in addition to individual therapy
  • at the first session, your child should talk to their therapist about the limits of confidentiality – what do they always keep private and what if anything, are they not allowed to keep private

Do you have any other examples of negative experiences you or your child have had with therapy? Or tips you have about how to make the next experience positive?

The Simple Joy of a Dog and Their Ball

Recently, the Brazil Open in São Paulo used four former stray dogs taken in by a shelter as “ball dogs” to retrieve tennis balls from the court during a match between Spain’s Roberto Carbelles Baena and Portugal’s Gastao Elias. The video is a great reminder that animals can bring joy to just about any situation.

What was your favorite part? How do animals help you feel better? How do animals help your adolescent? 

The physical signs of mental health

Many people are surprised to learn that the diagnoses of depression and anxiety include physical symptoms as well as mental symptoms.

Depression includes psychomotor retardation – which means that your body moves at a slower pace than normal. You might talk slower and not be quick to react.

Anxiety includes feeling restless, easily fatigued, muscle tension, and unsatisfying sleep.

Photo Credit: Souls of San Francisco via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: Souls of San Francisco via Compfight cc

Have you ever noticed if you feel wound up about something, and then try to take some deep breaths to calm down, only then do you realize that you have been holding your shoulders tight all day. Over and over, our mental health symptoms can be expressed in our bodies – on the outside and even on the inside through stress hormones, our immune system, and our gastrointestinal system.

We’ve posted a few times now about self-care. But why is it so important to our mental health? One reason is self-care can help us take care of our bodies and mind. Its helpful to think about our minds in the context of our bodies. When we feel strong emotions, what happens to our physical bodies? You might feel your chest get tighter, your breathing quicken, or your stomach churning. In the same way, when we take care of our bodies by relaxation methods, deep breathing, or eating healthy, we can also help our minds be healthy.

Have you found this applies in your life? What ways have you noticed that your mind and body are connected?

A shoulder

If your child really needed help, who would they go to? They might think first of a friend their own age, and while this friend may be good at listening and empathizing with them, they might not know what kind of advice to give. This is because as a young person, they have not had as much experience as an adult. We recommend to young people that when they have more serious concerns, they go to a supportive adult. Some young people don’t feel comfortable going to their parent with their concerns, because they feel guilty or that their parent will be disappointed. Going to another supportive adult can help a lot.  A supportive adult can be your parent, relative, teacher, priest, therapist, nurse, doctor.  But how does your child know if this adult is someone they can depend on?

Photo Credit: LauraGilchrist4 via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: LauraGilchrist4 via Compfight cc

They should ask themselves:

  • Does this person care about me? do they want me to succeed?
  • Are they someone who I consider a role model? someone I wouldn’t mind being like when I get older?
  • Have they been kind to me in the past?
  • Do they listen to what I have to say?
  • Do they respect me and my decisions?

Surround your child with other adults who you feel are good role models. Even if they are not comfortable coming to you, they may be able to trust another close adult. Also, if you have concerns bring your child to their PCP or to an adolescent medicine specialist. These healthcare provides should spend time alone talking to your child. This might allow for a  more comfortable environment where they can share their concerns.

How has a supportive adult helped your child in the past? Are there any questions you would add to our list?

How to talk to your child about tough topics

Do you remember when you were young and had tough topics you wanted to talk to your parent or caregiver about?  Sometimes it is important to reflect on those times and realize your child is going through them too. Today, we posted an article on our SOVA site (for adolescents) about talking to their parents using the listed tips below. We think they are also good tips for parents!

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Continue reading How to talk to your child about tough topics

How Do I Know Whether Therapy Is Going Well For My Child?

Your child and you can feel pretty vulnerable when you talk to a therapist. Think about it – you are telling them your deepest thoughts and you are not sure what they are thinking!  You might not know what a therapist is supposed to do or act like if you’ve never seen one before. So how do you know if things are going well in therapy?

Here are some suggestions we have:

Ask your child:

  • Do they think therapy will help them?
  • What do they expect out of their therapist?

Ask yourself:

  • Are I willing to participate in therapy together or alone for myself if needed?
  • What do I expect out of my child for therapy?
  • What do I expect out of the therapist?

Discuss your answers to the above questions with your child’s therapist and your child so you can have a clear idea if what you think will happen is what will happen.

As you get to know your child’s therapist, ask yourself these questions:

  • Does my child feel accepted?
  • Is the therapist caring?
  • Does the therapist explain things clearly?
  • If the therapist and my child disagree, can they have a productive conversation about it?
  • Does the therapist recognize if there is a problem and addresses it instead of avoiding it?

After you’ve gotten to know your child’s therapist, ask yourself:

  • Does the therapist have a good relationship with my child?
  • Does the therapist and my child get along?
  • Does the therapist and my child agree on the goals of what I am going to get from treatment?
  • Does the therapist get along with me?
  • Does the therapist agree with me on the goals of my child’s treatment?
Photo Credit: fraser wilson via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: fraser wilson via Compfight cc

These questions have been shown in research to influence how well therapy can work for kids and adolescents which is why we think it is important to think about them.

If the answers are no to any of these questions, talk to the therapist on how you might address them. If it doesn’t feel comfortable to talk to the therapist, then talk to whoever referred your child to them – like your child’s primary care provider about whether they can help talk to the therapist and investigate whether they are a good fit for them.

Did you try out using any of these questions? Is there something new you learned? Are there other questions you suggest for talking to your child’s therapist?