Studies have found that teens today have the same level of anxiety as psychiatric patients did in the 1950s, and the difficulties of managing this anxiety can diminish healthy self-esteem, leading in turn to depression. We hear so much about how we need to support our teens in gaining a high level of self-esteem.
But what does “self-esteem” mean, anyway?
One clue to understanding any idea is to look at how its words evolved. We often think that holding someone in “high esteem” is to love them, so we often think of having “self-esteem” as loving ourselves. But let’s look at the older meanings, too.
“Esteem” was first used as an English word that meant “worth.” It came into English from very old French and Latin words that meant “to appraise” and “to estimate”—can you hear how “esteem” and “estimate” sound similar?
So self-esteem can mean how we “appraise” ourselves or “estimate” our “worth.” It’s like our selves—our bodies, minds, spirits—are like a house full of valuables, and we are the appraisers, estimating how much our house and all its contents are worth.
Here are two helpful new understandings we can draw from just looking at the words:
Self: We get to be the appraisers. Nobody else but we ourselves. If our teen gives the power to appraise her estates to somebody else, then she gives away her own power to “estimate” her “worth.”
Appraisal: Estimating our worth depends on having realistic attitudes. If our teen looks at her “riches” and sees only what’s missing—what she thinks should be there and isn’t—then she doesn’t do an accurate job of appraising her worth. But if she can look at her riches and appreciate what she does have, then she has a better chance of building on that accurate appraisal.
Hear how the words “appraise” and “appreciate” sound the same?—they come from the same ancient Latin roots, too.
Habits that can “depreciate” teens’ sense of themselves:
- Comparing themselves to other people on social media
- Looking in the mirror and seeing only defects
- Trying to earn perfect grades
Habits that can help our teens more accurately “appreciate” themselves:
- Helping them to social media to connect with others
- Encouraging them to look in the mirror and find one or two things they appreciate in what they see
- When they express disappointment that their grades are not perfect, pointing out their improvements and their opportunities to learn and grow
- Modeling being patient with ourselves and taking life one day at a time
As our teens learn to more accurately “estimate” and “appreciate” their particular set of riches, they will give themselves space to imagine what they really want for themselves, and they will gain resilience and strength to plan and build their lives.
What does “self-esteem” mean to you? What are some other habits you use to help your teen build their self-esteem? Share with others who may benefit from hearing your experiences!
